April 19, 2020

My ADHD Relationship: How We Make it Work

I appreciate my husband Brian for many reasons, but what I love most is his supporting nature.

This weekend was national Husband Appreciation Day and today marks eight years that my husband and I have been together (married for three years). We spent most of our twenties growing together, learning from one other, and building a successful relationship.

Trust me. It hasn't been easy. Like every couple, we have our ups and downs and we both have weaknesses. In addition to basic human imperfection, my ADHD comes with its fair share of character flaws. There are countless stories regarding failed romantic relationships, due to one partner's ADHD and the other not knowing how to react.

When my most dominant ADHD traits rear their head in matters that affect our relationship, is when Brian's compassion and love shine through.

Easily Overwhelmed -- We had our first child in February and I returned to my full-time job, April 1, all admit the COVID-19 pandemic. Needless to say I've been overwhelmed more than once. He could easily ask why the house isn't clean, or why I have tears in my eyes for no apparent reason. Instead, any time Brian notices I've bitten off more than I can chew, he's quick to relieve the pressure. From changing diapers to cooking dinner, he does what he can so I can have a few minutes to decompress -- a luxury my ADHD brain doesn't indulge in often.
Push-Over Personality -- People (definitely this girl included) with ADHD are known for going above and beyond to please those around them. Instead of taking advantage of my people-pleasing nature, he constantly pushes me to stand up for myself and helps me use the word "no." With his support, I've been able to pause and consider my wellbeing a little more often.
Purchasing Impulsivity-- Normally, if I'm interested in a topic or product my hyper-intense researching begins. I can tell you dimensions, color options, manufacturer, and repeat all of the positive and negative reviews I've spent hours reading. On the other hand, if I need to purchase something I could care less about and it's the first item that comes up in the search engine or is the cheapest, or there's a buy one get three free sale, I'll buy it. Let me share Brians favorite example of my Purchasing Impulsivity
About seven years ago, (before we lived together) I went Black Friday shopping for a new tv. Being someone who knows very little about technology with no desire to change that, when I saw a flat-screen 40" tv marked half off, I put it my cart. Brian came over that night to install it. When he asked what kind of tv I bought I proudly exclaimed a "Sony." (the only tech brand I knew at the time). As he unboxed it, I remember his uncontrollable laughter--"Meg, this is a 'Sanyo', not a 'Sony'." Apparently 'Sanyo' is Walmart's 'Great Value' store brand for electronics. I have yet to live this down.
This is just one silly anecdote from a long line of similar funny and not funny purchases I've made, based on lack of interest. Over the years, instead of becoming angry with me he accepts it's something about myself that I can't change and helps to fix the mistakes when he can.

My marriage isn't perfect. But I wanted to highlight some of the wonderful things my husband does to support my mental health. I think my relationship shows that support and understanding can go a long way in an ADHD relationship.

What are some ways your spouse/partner supports your mental health? Leave a comment.

Below, I linked a few books if you're looking for advice about ADHD in your relationship.

The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps by Melissa Orlov

Awarded "Best Psychology Book of 2010" by ForeWord Reviews, this book is an invaluable resource for couples in which one of the partners suffers from Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). It authoritatively guides couples in troubled marriages towards an understanding and appreciation for the struggles and triumphs of a relationship affected by ADHD, and to look at the disorder in a more positive and less disruptive way. Read more about the book>>

The Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD by Melissa Orlov

More and more often, adults are realizing that the reason they are struggling so much in their relationship is that they are impacted by previously undiagnosed adult ADHD. Learning how to interact with ADHD symptoms is often the difference between joy together and chronic anger and frustration. So The Couple’s Guide to Thriving with ADHD lays out the most important strategies couples can use – right now – to rebuild trust, fight less, disagree more productively, get the attention they deserve, and rebuild intimacy in their relationship. These are strategies honed over years of working specifically with couples impacted by ADHD, and demonstrated to change lives for the better. ‘Thrive’ is the go-to book for couples struggling with ADHD who want to actively work to improve their relationship. Check it out here>>

Is It You, Me, or Adult A.D.D.? Stopping the Roller Coaster When Someone You Love Has Attention Deficit Disorder by Gina Pera
The science has been clear since 1994, when Adult AD/HD was declared a medical diagnosis. Still, the public harbors misconceptions, and that means millions suffer needlessly. And that includes millions of couples who can't understand why their lives together are so hard -- sometimes despite many attempts at couples therapy. Everyone knows someone with adult AD/HD. Yet we misattribute the symptoms to anxiety, depression, or even laziness, selfishness, or moodiness. Moreover, we assume AD/HD means "little boys with ants in their pants." In fact, childhood hyperactivity goes "underground" as the person matures, resulting in a mentally restless state. Learn more>>

Below is the style info from my Instagram post:

My wedding dress is designed by Maggie Sottero. Since it's from an older collection I couldn't find a link. But if you want to see more pics of it I'd be happy to share. I wore these 18K Gold Freshwater Pearl Earrings, and I still wear them to remind me of our special day. Brian is wearing a slim fit black tuxedo from Men's Warehouse, and this gold-tone Michael Kors Lexington Watch I gave him as a wedding gift.

I'm wearing this red cocktail dress I found on Amazon for less than $40. For reference I'm 5'6" and typically a size 4. I ordered a small. I paired the dress with these black patent leather Cole Hann Adriel Viola Dress Pumps. These fit true to size. Brian is wearing a slim fit blue suit we found on Amazon but they are sold out. I'll link some similar ones below. His brown dress shoes are Steve Madden Hestonn Chukka Boots (true to size).

My off the shoulder bodycon dress is sold out so I'll link some similar ones below, all under $50. Brian is wearing a Kenneth Cole REACTION Stretch Slim Fit Suit in Gunmetal Basketweave color. He wore this Van Heusen Dress Shirt. His burgundy Necktie that my dress perfectly and his belt were both Amazon brand.