Fitting in with ADHD. Which personality will I try on today?
Do you ever feel like you are trying on different personalities to blend in with those around you? I do.
I want to fit in; I want to belong; I want to be liked; I want those around me to see me as “normal.” But I act before I think. I bounce off the walls. I’m nervous and self-conscious some days, while others I want to be seen and heard. Being self-aware and toning down natural instincts, helps me to get by unnoticed by others--but it’s a real struggle.
Any time I’ve ever been in a situation that didn’t suit me (job, relationship, environment), I become overwhelmed with the anxiety of not fitting in. I suffer from a wide array of ADHD traits but I believe three, in particular, drive me to portray socially acceptable personas.
Staying Calm, Cool and Collected to maintain Emotional Control
Since childhood, I have been forcing myself into a mold that society has deemed “normal.” Reading the room has become second nature to me. If others seem sad, I know it’s okay to cry--but only the appropriate amount.
Having ADHD causes my brain to feel emotions more intensely than others. Sometimes a sudden emotion becomes all-consuming, taking over my mind. Then other times, I can seem cold, insensitive, and aloof. More often than not, I’m unaware that I’m reacting inappropriately. Only when I observe the reactions of others do I realize, I need to adjust my behavior to blend in.
Conveying a calm, cool, and collected personality, despite my actual feelings, keeps me from making others uncomfortable with my seemingly “irrational” or “unemotional” responses.
Organized Appearance to hide Disorganization
I am a hot mess. Leaving a trail of breadcrumbs everywhere I go. I’m forgetful and have no grasp on time. When I was in high school, classmates never wanted to do group projects with me. I had a reputation for spilling something on the paper or forgetting a part of the science project at home.
Everyday being married to a Type-A personality is a struggle. I often find myself scrambling to pick up the mess I’ve made in the house ten minutes before he gets home from work. I plan for events to start early to overcompensate for the time I would waste getting ready.
Keeping an organized appearance hides my naturally disorganized habits. I constantly struggle with keeping it together.
Subdued Spaz to mask Hyperactivity
If you sit next to me on a bench, chances are you will notice the seat beneath you shaking driven by my legs bouncing perpetually. What might surprise you, is this is the modest version of me letting out some energy.
My parents used to get me to go run around every day after school because I would be so overstimulated from the bus ride home, I couldn’t relax. And even now as an adult, if I have too much caffeine I bounce around talking to my husband like an auctioneer.
Leg bouncing is my way of containing my hyperactivity. I get to let a little energy out while still seeming like a sane member of society.
I hope this helps
I have had to “try different personalities on” my whole life. It wasn’t until my late 20s I started accepting who I am, and what makes me different. Now I have friends, a husband, and in-laws who love me, and coworkers who respect me. But it started with learning about who I am and accepting myself.
I want to know I’m not the only one that feels this way. I want you to know you’re not the only one that feels this way. I want everyone to know, fitting in and social acceptance isn’t the most important thing--your mental health is.
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XOXO Meg
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