Mother's Day: I Didn't Want to be a Mother

Mother's Day: I Didn't Want to be a Mom

Being a mother was never on my to-do list. When that pregnancy test came back positive, I was devastated.

Since it’s my first Mother’s Day, and this is my diary, after all, I wanted to share my story. 

No one’s journey to motherhood is cookie cutter. Some have infertility obstacles, or get pregnant too young. Maybe your journey to motherhood was unexpected, unplanned, and unwanted, like mine. It’s almost been a year since I found out we were expecting, and it’s been an emotional experience, to say the least. But if you stumbled upon this story because you are/were in a similar situation, know you’re not alone.

I Never Wanted Children

I’ve always been someone who shutters at the sound of a baby crying, or passes a baby back to their parents after obligatory pictures. Babies were always cute from afar, but that’s where I wanted them to stay - a-far-ways-from-me. Children seemed more like a burden than a joy.

I love the freedom of going where I wanted, when I wanted. If my ADHD brain suddenly decided to fly home for the weekend to visit friends, I could do it. My actions only effected me; my life choices only impacted my world. I make a lot of mistakes. I can be careless, forgetful, over-emotional, and cold. Why subject a child to that?

My mother is not exactly a role model for motherhood. I’ve begun to realize, she was verbally and emotionally abusive. She used my flaws to manipulate and control me. How could I be a mother, when my mother is like that?

I shamefully admit I was horrified by learning about the physical changes to my body. Stretch marks, weight gain, skin changes, the list goes on. Not to mention labor! No matter that it’s a gift God gave women, and our bodies are truly amazing. I couldn’t stop thinking, why would anyone do that to themselves?

The Positive Pregnancy Test

Fear. Anger. Sadness-- these were just a few of the emotions I felt when that test came back positive. I sobbed for a few hours then spent the rest of the night silent in bed. How could this happen? Why now?

I married a man who always wanted kids. He comes from a broken home so he wants to provide a life for his children that he never had. Fix his parents mistakes--the exact opposite of my philosophy. When he saw the test, his eyes lit up. Out of respect for me, he kept a solemn expression for the evening, but by the next morning he had announced the news his family and close friends. His excitement could be contained no longer.  I was furious that he was so happy about the news that was causing me so much pain. 

Enter guilt. Serious, self-loathing guilt. I felt guilty for being mad about his joy. Guilt haunted me when everyone expressed excitement and I wanted to cry. The guilt of so easily getting pregnant by accident would be a blessing others have prayed for. 

As my pregnancy progressed, I began to soften towards the idea of having a child. I was going through with it so I had to accept it at some point. I began decorating the nursery and reading about sleep training. I became determined that my baby would have a great life even if I was the one raising her.

Skin to Skin

Immediately after birth, even before they cut the umbilical cord, they placed her on my chest. I looked at her sweet innocent face and cried. I cried because this thing I had been dreading was so helpless and small. I cried because I was happy she was in my arms, a feeling I hadn’t expected. 

The first two months were hard. I was dealing with postpartum depression, sleep deprivation, and cluelessness. But this month she turned 3 months old. She’s laughing and smiling. Her little personality is showing and I can’t help but love her. 

Only these past few weeks I have finally felt like I am a Mother. I’m not just her bottle maker, diaper changer, and bath giver. I am her comfort when she’s upset, her favorite toy, and best friend. 

Happy Mother’s Day to Me (and every other mom out there. We rock)

Maybe I was selfish. But I think I didn’t want kids really because I was scared. I feared I wouldn’t be a good-enough parent or I would end up like my mother and my child would hate me. What if she inherited my ADHD or anxiety? Or what if my ADHD traits, impact my ability to be the perfect mother

Those are thoughts I couldn’t bear, so instead I just decided kids weren’t for me. 

Instead I’m blessed with a sweet-spirited beautiful baby girl. I know I’ll never be perfect and that’s just something I’ll have to accept. But I am confident I am the perfect parent for her. 

I feel that I’m finally finding my footing in the world of parenthood, and if you’re scared, I promise you can do it. It won’t be easy but it really is worth it. 

So Happy Mother’s Day to all!

It always helps to know you're not alone. So even if this resonates with one person I've done what I intended. If you have anything you'd like to share, you can comment below.

XOXO Meg

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