ADHD and Friendships: Easy to make friends. Hard to keep them.

June 08, 2020

ADHD and Friendships: Easy to make friends. Hard to keep them.

With ADHD maintaining friendships can be difficult. You might not even realize the self-destructive behaviors that are detrimental to an equally balanced friendship or romantic relationship. Being aware of these traits and how it can affect those around you is the most important step, to building lasting friendships.

Challenges people face in friendships with ADHD:

Boredom.

Those with ADHD, need constant stimulation. When a relationship, friendly or romantic, no longer fulfills a need, ADHD-ers tend to lose interest in continuing a connection with the other person. It sounds harsh, but it’s a reality. The mind of someone with ADHD craves stimulus and when a relationship no longer serves a purpose, we quite frankly, get bored. For most people with ADHD making friends isn’t the issue. Keeping friends is what poses a problem.

In high school, I was the definition of a social butterfly. Friendships were more about quantity over quality. At that point in my life (an insecure teenager), the more friends I kept in my social circle, the more love and acceptance I felt. Popular and well-liked by the most influential cliques, but not so popular I alienated the classmates lower on the social ladder. A friend to all, if you will.

An embarrassing photo from college. Left Meg. Right, Paige.

Ask me how many of these people I still talk to, over 10 years later? None. Like I said, I was after a large number of friends versus the quality of those friendships. Once we graduated, we kept in touch through freshman year of college but once I met people on campus, I no longer needed those friendships.

There is only one person I regularly speak to that I graduated with, and it’s a guy I’ve known since we were 10 years old. As much as I hate to admit it, if he hadn’t been the one to reach out to me regularly over the years, we probably would’ve lost touch by now. It breaks my heart to say that, because now in my old age (lol) I’m realizing the importance of quality relationships.

Priorities.

An ADHD brain is a powerful thing. You can be so hyper-focused one goal, hobby or interest, that you forget about those around you. If a friend doesn’t show any interest in your current obsession, you might push them away.

My childhood best friend Miranda (name change) and I had a friendship you’d never imagine ending. Best friends from middle school until high school graduation. We attended different schools so every spare moment out of the classroom was spent together or on the phone. We grew up together. Literally, every milestone you achieve in those early adolescent years were spent by each other's side. From the first time boys kissed us, to getting our licenses to our “first times” with our first loves, we experienced all of the emotions together. Our friendship was something out of a coming of age novel. (hmmm….good book idea).

Upon high school graduation, our lives took very different turns. I went to college in a new city, while she stayed at home. Schoolwork and my college experience took priority over everything else in my life. We stayed close for a while, but our weekends were being spent with other people, doing different things. Eventually, distance came between us and we lost touch. Her friendship lost priority in my life therefore I lost her.

Inconsistency.

Inconsistency is really a nice way of saying flaky. People with ADHD have issues keeping schedules, remembering details, and following through with commitments. Obviously making it difficult to continue friendships. The other person feels undervalued and unimportant, resulting in a loss of friendship.

Over the years, many people I’ve considered a “best friend” cut communication with me because I made them feel unimportant. If I’m not interested, I’m not the best listener. If you want to do something I don’t want to do, I won’t follow through with plans. If you text me when I’m busy and I don’t respond right away, I probably won’t respond at all. Trust me, I don’t try to be this way, but my ADHD brain will only let me focus on something for so long. I don’t blame people for ending our friendships. I know I don’t make it easy.

The worst part about this flaky trait of mine is--when I lose a “best friend,” I don’t care. It makes me sound terrible, but it’s true. If I am not reciprocating your attempts to maintain a friendship with me, I’ve probably lost interest in your company by now. Something or someone else has already taken priority in my mind.

As someone, with ADHD I can be very sensitive to any action towards me that I deem inconsiderate, but it’s so easy for me to treat someone else that way. Being aware of this personality flaw is a huge step in changing or at least managing this part of my ADHD. In my current relationships I try and reach out first, and when I commit to something I follow through. It’s taken me 28 years but I’ve finally started to work on myself, to stop these relationships destroying habits.

Paige

I have had a million “best friends” in my life. Those who held that title never lasted longer than whatever phase I was going through at the time. Miranda was really the only true friend I’ve had until I met my current true best friend (who I’m convinced is my soulmate-in a non-sexual way lol).

Since today is National Bestfriend Day, I wanted to write an ode to my person. Paige is my true best friend and has been for the past six years. She is the love of my life (in a completely platonic way). She’s the only friend I’ve ever had that hears me and doesn’t judge me. We are two completely different people but we share nothing but love and acceptance.

Like I said before, I know I’m not the easiest friend to keep. But she’s been with me for years and I don’t see that changing anytime soon. So Paige, if you’re reading this, thank you for putting up with my not so friendly traits. You are a saint and I cherish you.

The day I got engaged holding a pic of when she got engaged.

Paige and I met six years ago through her boyfriend, Court, and my (at the time) friend and coworker Brian (spoiler alert: we married them). Brian and Court were college roommates and best friends (still are btw). Months before Brian and I started dating, he was hopelessly in love with me (jk. He was just crushing). And of course, I just thought we were friends. Paige set out on a mission to help Brian get me to go out with him, fulfilling her duty as his best friend’s girlfriend.

Over the course of a few months, I succumbed to Brian and Paige’s carefully crafted scheme, becoming his girlfriend. From that moment on, Paige was no longer on team Brian. We became so close, she completely abandoned his friendship taking the title of Meg’s BFF. Through Brian and I’s relationship struggles she would always joke, if he and I split, she and Court would cut Brian off.

I remember vividly, a few months into my new relationships with both Brian and Paige, I was telling a story about a girl, Sarah a former “best friend.” Sarah was my ex-boyfriends, best friend's girlfriend. (I hope that makes sense.) When I was describing how I knew Sarah to Paige, she made the connection that she was the “Sarah” in my current romantic relationship. I said something along the lines of, “my old best friend Sarah, did this… but we’re just not friends anymore because I’m not with my ex.”

Paige looked me straight in the eyes and said, “oh so, is that what you do? Stop being friends with someone when you break up with a boyfriend?”

She said it jokingly, but it was at that very moment I realized, that’s exactly what I do. When Sarah no longer served a purpose for me, I felt no need to continue a relationship with her. That self-realization brought me to recognize, I can’t treat friends like that anymore.

Since then, I’ve put in the time and effort needed to continue a healthy friendship with Paige. Doing so provided me with the most influential, most fulfilling friendship I’ve ever had. So much has happened between the set up with my husband to my life now, and her friendship is one of the most positive constants in my life.

Know you’re not alone if you’re struggling to maintain friendships because of your ADHD traits. Remember, you don’t need a lot of friends. Focus on building and maintaining a friendship with just a few, or like me, just one person. You’ll find, reciprocating the work it takes to maintain a friendship, is worth it to have a true friend.

If you want to give a shout out to the “Paige” in your life, share what makes your best friend great in the comments below!

Shop My Insta